Thursday, October 27, 2005

Dirty Bomb

I spoke with Stalker for the first time face to face. You'll not be surprised to know it's Spoogmeyer. He spoke with me just before the company pulled me in. They raided my lab and office. There's a search team in our home. They even took garden soil.

Goddammit, Pete, he claims you were working on a project for the 'other side' whatever the f*ck that means, and that cpn crunch was your contact. He claims you manipulated 'ICE', that you built it in the company labs and then smuggled it out. He showed me plane tickets, hotel receipts, pictures. He says you were a traitor and that's why you and my daughter are dead. He says those you were helping have exposed someone very important. No one knows what the catalyst is.

He didn't have me arrested when I punched him. I called him every name I could think of. After I calmed down I reminded him that security protocols wouldn't allow for anything to be smuggled out. He just laughed at me and told me I wasn't thinking deep enough. Well, no shit. I'm not a f*cking killer spy assasin jerk off.

He said your blood was clean on the day you were picked up! When the f*ck were you picked up!? Pete, he asked me for a f*cking blood sample. He thinks you exposed me in order to get the dendromer out of the lab! I can't take this. It can't be true. We don't work in the same lab. You wouldn't do this to me, to us. You wouldn't.

Spook says they can't determine the catalyst in time. Blazic is working on it. Did you expose this person yourself? It was implied! The whole exercise is a demo of a product. It's only a matter of time, he says, before 'the bad guys' put it all together and assume I'm the package and come looking for more. He's playing every card here, Pete.

He told me to think hard about any contact we may have had in the labs. We haven't shared work space since before my maternity leave. Not even so much as a cup of coffee. This is all bullshit! There's just no way. Where would you have processed a sample anyway? You can't just go to the corner drop-in lab. Please! And just retrieving it, "honey, do you mind if I grab a few ccs of fresh blood?"

There's no way you would have done this! It's just too convenient to pick the dead guy as the scapegoat.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Lucretia Comes Out of Hiding

He knows who I am. He also knows about this diary. We IM'd for a short while.

My stalker, that's what I'm calling the note guy (or girl?), said there was going to be a high-profile exposure in the next few weeks. One that cannot be missed. Someone close to head-of-state status. He didn't say if it would be a kswitch. God, I'm so scared. I feel like I'm in the middle of some scheme that I don't know anything about. Stalker and Blazic keep treating me like I'm a player in something. Stalker knows and I think he wants to tell me what is happening. But he thinks I'm playing dumb. What have you gotten me into Pete? Was Blazic involved?

Blazic made a pass at me during dinner, I think. Maybe, I don't know. He may have been trying to comfort me. He took my hand and held it too long. I tried to pull away and at first he wouldn't let go. He is looking for something, Pete. He had all kinds of questions about things I don't know about. Where you were on such date and when you returned from that trip to whereever. What he's after, I don't know. More importantly, who is he trying to find it for?

Monday, October 24, 2005

Chat with a Spook

Another note. This time it had a IM name and password as well as the date and time I should go online. What is happening to me? This is a nightmare. And in the mean time I'm supposed to play like nothing is happening. I had to go swimming with mom this weekend at the Y, all the while wondering what the hell is going on. Who killed my family. I need a drink.

Blazic asked me out to dinner. He said he'd like to discuss some of your work with me. He had a question about the seminar we attended in February. He said the two of you had met up in Belfast while I was in Cork. You never mentioned it, Pete.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Fear and Questions

I'm not sure what to do? I can only assume someone knows what's going on, that they are watching me. Do they know about my little diary or has my poking around drawn them out?

But to what end? why tell me this? Pete 'was dead before he left' doesn't make sense because he died in the hospital. Unless it means he was exposed and the catalyst was initiated. But why? Who, and why when my baby was with him? Why involve a third party? Is this spook trying to tell me that cpt crunch was a victim, a tool, an excuse, a scapegoat? Was everyone meant to die in the crash or didnt' it matter as long as Pete did, or appeared to.

Is someone trying to help me find out or are they playing me? Silly question. I would already be dead. I've no doubt I was exposed at some time to a kswitch. Seems like the intellegent thing to do if you need insurance against unwanted behavior. The real question now is what do I do? Who can I tell? Shit, I'm blabbing over the net and not a soul is watching. I'd have to take off the mask if I didn't want to disappear under the rug. I can't involve my family. I have to just let it all go. that's what I have to do. Maybe that is the message after all. That I am alone so stay in line, do my job.

The job. I should be proud. I have been instramental in the development of 11 perfect weapons. They are simple to deploy, precise and unerring, nearly impossible to detect and there is no way to stop them once initiated. The shrinks tell us that we are actually saving lives in the long and short of it.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Voice from the Inside

I found a note in the dry-cleaning I picked up today.

"She wasn't drunk and he was dead before he left the house. Child = collateral damage."

Friday, October 14, 2005

I hate working with Spooks!

The 'why' isn't important, but I wanted to thank the crew that handled the accident scene. I tried contacting the hospital to get the names or company number that responded and transported you and Lily to the VA and they couldn't give me any information. They told me that the records had been sealed and classified. That's rediculous, I thought.

I tried asking Spook and he couldn't (wouldn't?) give me any details. Despite being first to reach the hospital he said he couldn't recall. This is most strange because following the accident he told me that he had gotten the details directly from the ambulence crew.

What the hell is going on, Pete? Why are the details of your death being buried? Spoogmeyer says I'm being paranoid. My ass! Next thing I tried was finding the impound for our car...GONE. The car is gone. Suposedly some paperwork screw up. The manager says 'the owner' showed up with the pink slip and requested the thing be scrapped. "White guy, tall, brown or blondish hair?" I asked to see the paperwork and he told me that was against policy. I showed him my insurance card since it was the only proof of ownership I had on me. He said it wouldn't matter, he'd managed to misplace the receipt book a couple weeks ago.

How about a police report? Classified. MPs were not much fun to argue with. Even your historical medical records and all records of your treatment at the VA have gone bye-bye.

What happend, Pete? What REALLY happened?! Now that Capt Crunch has disappeared too, I may never find out.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Doing evil in the name of Good

The testing has begun. I don't know who the subjects were but their remains have begun to arrive. 64 samples from 32 subjects. I don't get to view any of the autopsy information; that goes to Blazic. I process the heart and lung specs. The dendromers appeart to be functioning according to program with no residual wash-over into the lung tissue. The samples are 'immediate post mortem' and 'two-hour delay' to verify total burn-off of the kswitch.

If I had to hazzard a guess, I would say the weapon is being tested in the Afgani theatre. It would afford us easier recon & recovery of the test subjects with less chance of getting blown up or in the news.

I'm being sarcastic. What a cluster-f*ck, Iraq.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

...when good people do nothing

I returned to learn that cpt crunch has been transferred not only from her rehab but from the area. Spirited away to some local that I dare not inquire about. What's done is done and cannot be undone. I cannot let it go because I am still connected thru my actions and will be forever. I will eventually have to take responsibility for what I've done. But I would do it again.

I'm really missing you now that the holidays are upon us. Remember how we planned to dress the baby up and trick or treat at your parents' house? No, don't go there! That door has closed, that path was washed away.

I saw another case for my little nanos while in the Windy City. Too many actually. But one really stood out from the brass and ass that was paraded the whole week over. His name was Cassidy. 50-something self-described stud muffin and "kaffa-hater" from South Africa that was drunk nearly every time I saw him, no matter the time of day. Anyway, he ended up in handcuffs for DUI after passing out and side-swiping a street-cleaning truck at 4 in the morning. Apparently he’s a big repeat offender in the great city of Chicago. But guess what? He had a get-out-of-jail-free card. Diplomatic Immunity. Rumor was he'd been involved in a bad one a couple years ago but walked. Left the country for 9 months, that was it. F*cker. Why do they get away with it? Why are we so tolerant of drunk drivers in this country, or any? Let's take up caning like they do in Malaysia

You know I've always felt it was premeditated murder so how come it doesn't get treated as such? They know it’s a crime, they know they will kill someone, yet they chose to do it anyway. Squash them all if I could. I guess that is why I'm not god. But I'm getting tired of society sitting on its hands when it comes to criminals like this. A rapist gets a year and his victim spends the rest of their life a zombie. A suit rapes a company and walks while those whose futures were invested and lost lose their homes. A driver who kills while drunk gets sentenced to give piano lessons for 9 months while the parents of his victim remain bathed in injustice. There is no balance.

The Age of Vigilante is being birthed. I’ve played my part. I think about continuing my fight...

Saturday, October 01, 2005


It was only a mater of time. The stress of the last many weeks has brought on an episode of my MS. I tried to lie to myself for several days, write off the symptoms as something else. I cannot any longer. The weakness in may arms is profound. The insomnia, loss of mental clarity, the 'frostbite' in my hands and feet. It's been a while since the last relapse but I remember it well. God, how do people with acute MS live with this? For the last two days I make it until about 2pm and I'm done. My arms become too heavy to lift, my leg, leaden, my brain frazzled. I've had problems with space and time. Sucks to get up on the days off and make it all the way to the car before I realize I could have slept in. That is, if I could sleep. How long will it last? This sucks loudly.

There's a little good news, tho. I found the analyte in the double-blind study. Used something like Hups' squares as sensors. It was a wincy thing, silicon nanowire used to fry lung tissue when exposed to EMFs. But they were throw-aways. They weren't acutally used on the subject. There was alien RNA residue; pig? Who cares, they didn't ask me to identify so I won't. A thought: could the subject have been a transplant patient? That would explain the contaminant...

It's a go with Blazic's team. Approval came through and I transfer departments as soon as I get back from chicago. I don't have to change labs, tho. I still have mixed feelings about this. The team shrink has an appointment with me soon. I guess it's a chance for me to opt out. The duality continues. The scientist vs the humanist. Tho I must say my faith in humankind wilts as my faith in science grows. Is this the choice you faced? I can't expect the average person to understand what we do and why.