I don't want to go on the cart

I'm not dead yet.

I've managed to survive the trip through the desert to the coordinates where I burried my daughter. Blazic and two from his team dropped with me via helocopter just below the first rise, south of Black Diamond. The remainder of the trip was on foot. The 'enemy' knew about Cochise Stonghold but it's a big, harsh place. It was a race to see if we could recover Lily before being spotted. By whom he would not tell me. His strategy was to get in and out as quickly as possible.

All for naught, I'm afraid. Not to sound blaze' about it...they did shoot the hell out of us. The location succeeded in culling the numbers but we were still followed. We were yards from the grave stones when they found us. More like heard them coming and they weren't shy about it. No need to be. We're miles from anywhere and anyone, right?

Will went down just after I was shot in the back of the neck. I don't know if he's still alive but I'm trying not to be upset about it. I'm pretty sure he was the one who shot me. I was dragged away and knocked around just for fun, and completely unnecessarily I might add. I would have told them what they wanted to know. And I did. Dispite barely being able to see out of my swollen eyes, the GPS put us within a few yards of the grave and I led them right to her.

Spooks to the rescue. You can't go shooting up a national park without pissing off someone. Or maybe Will just planned ahead. Dozen or so military showed up. Don't know what happened then. Lots of shouting and swearing. So many angry people after the same thing.

It's not like the movies. No fancy shoot-out, no punch-for-punch fight. When the bullets fly everyone dives for cover and stays there. You only need to be bashed in the face once when it's done right and the fight is over. The sights and sounds are a nightmare. The Stronghold is a good place to hide. Hard place to search.

One of Will's men grabbed me and Lily and ran. We hid in a mouse tank I knew of. Sgt. Green carried me out, security all the hell over the place. He did his best to clean up my neck injury, which was minor, but I may never function the same again. We were hiding for a day or so in Benson. I was ill after that. Infection.

There was a truck ride that must have ended here. Once again I'm alone in a motel room to recover. I have clothes, equipment, money and short instructions. Blazic's team has Lily. I have to wonder if they know what that means? I want to go home. I don't know if that will ever be possible.

All Assumptions Lost

How could he have done this, Will? We were actually in love once. He brought me into the project. he wanted children. said they would make us whole.

And you! Oh so British and proper. I can just imaginee how you squirmed, having to write such a note. Are the two sargents here to protect me or babysit? Keep me from blowing my brains out before you find it? I guess you are a target too, since you know where I am. Does it worry you? Do I have to get riced again?

They'll never find her, you know. Never. Can't we just leave her alone?

When Christine was 5 years old she told me my feet smelled like 'old ladies'. "What do old ladies smell like" I asked her. She said "they smell like beef". She was so young and sweet and pretty. Why would anyone kill her?

And now here I sit waiting for you to come and convince me to take you to Lily. Why? It won't help you discover the catelyst. It won't stop whatever is going to happen to the test subject. And i know your argument. If they get their hands on me they will find her and have a new weapon and I will be dead. But I know the company would never let that happen. I'm surprised they haven't burned me already. They must really want that dendromer back.

Where are you!?

goddamit Blazic, I went to the meeting point. Where were you. When I arrived the whole area was blocked off by fire trucks and police. The building was in flames. I couldn't get anywhere near it. I listened to conversations that said there was gunfire and an explosion. Someone said it was a meth house and that a swat team killed someone inside. then the whole place went up. I followed or was it fate? Are we found out? Were you inside that mess? Please, please don't be dead.

I waited so long. I finally went to the back-up location and I've been here ever since. I've been bouncing between three differnt sites. How long do I wait until I assume you aren't coming?

andwhat do I do now. Am I a fugative? I had to abandon the fat-suit. I got caught in the rain and I couldn't carry the weight. Nothing left to do for the moment but get shitfaced.

Monday, Monday

Still nothing. I change locations as commanded. I send the prerequisit ping so Blasiz knows I'm still moving as instructed. But no real contact for two days now. I have his word that he'll contact me as soon as he checks out some lead that showed up on a security camera.

I haven't yet gotten used to my new look. I went and bought a small camera so that I could document this. I seem to think some day I'll laugh about this. Is that weird or what. I asked Blazic if I could contact my family so they wouldn't panic. He convinced me that wouldn't be a good idea. He said he'd take care of it.

There were several

The New Me

The jackass did it again. I woke up today in trenton, and I don't recognise me. All I can say about it is "nice job". I was left instructions not to discuss what happened. I can say that they are giving the appearance of wanting to help me. One note to my lurkers, "Thanks for the hardware."

The week was uneventful if you can call waiting in terror for the unknown to sneak up behind you 'uneventful'. These flash-forwards are the worst. In the big picture they mean nothing, I guess, but to me it feels like days of my life are stolen and I'll never get them back.

Blazics crew set me up with clean (yeah, right) uplink via satalite so I can stay in communicaiton undetected. I have money but no plan yet. If he knows what he's doing with or for me, he hasn't shared that info. He said they may have a lead on the package, but all his time is taken up trying to figure out what you did to Ice. A thought, how do they know it was Ice? Why not Buckwheat or Lanturn or Shitcan? How do they know you didn't whip something up 'just specialy'?

You'd laugh your ass off if you could see what they did to my hair.

Dying Young

Will I feel it coming? Or will I, in a fraction of time, simply not be there anymore? Will I suffer? Will I feel pain? Pain scares me. Death doesn't scare me but dying does.

I know I am about to die. I am about to be murdered.

Until last August I never really gave much thought to death. There were moments of terror during pregnancy when I thought of complications. Also, on those long trips you used to take, I would lie awake nights, wrapped in you laundry and worry over you.

In a way, I feel I was resurected today. I died sometime between lunch on Halloween and breakfast this morning. One moment I was scanning slides, the next I woke in a hot bath in Willm Blazic's motel room in Tombstone. Between those events, I did not exist. There is no memory, no evidence, no signs indicating what I had been doing or where I'd been. I am at a loss as to what questions to even ask myself.

All this is the effect of one of the company's MEMS. Lost time.

Apparently my word was not good enough for Spook. I was questioned from the inside. I was of no use and no danger or I wouldn't be here. Or maybe they weren't done? I did leave rather abruptly after bashing Blazic in the face and fleeing. I may have broken that perfect nose of his. They are getting very desparate to be using Drone. It doesn't burn. There is still residue in my system.

I'm running now, though it's pointless. Some neat little kill switch inhabits my body and can be activated purposely or by accident at any time for the next 3 weeks. That's the default half-life. I've also been riced. The tell-tail needle mark in my thigh. They landed it deep too. Probably to the bone so I can't dig it out. Most likely I'm being used as bait now.

I've left a will, blood samples, documentation and a cd copy of this url in a SDB for mom and Stephen. My diary to you will be my testiment. Spook told me once that the diary didn't matter because they'd blocked it from ever reaching the net. I'm talking to some lone server deep in some cold warehouse in area 51sville.

F*ck you all. This world is getting boring anyway.