Saturday, December 24, 2005


Xmas eve and we're still dead in the water. We move locations regularly. Every week or so. I have no idea what is going on in the real world but here in hell everyone is drunk. Love nog.

I guess I'll tell you that I slept with Will. Don't know why I feel guilty about it, it's not like I'm married. Of course if his people find out they'll court marshal him, or whatever the brits do when they call their officers up on charges. I'm sure shagging the enemy isn't allowed. Am I the enemy? or Just a bad guy? god, how am I classified? I haven't been charged officially yet. guess They'll hace to soon enought. Shit, I'm stoned. Can't type worth a damn. heeheehee who cares.

I'm not alone and that's what counts. Sucks to bbe alone on chistmas. Wonder if I'll get any gifts. haha, Maybe Lt. Blazic will stay the night. Yum. Shit, is he married? have a family to be home with? I can't remember if you or he ever mentioned one. He wears a ring but it's one of those signet kind of things. Guess it doens't matter at this poiknt. Seriously doubting he'll make that error in judgement again. BEsides, I'm sitting here eating pie with that wizeass Martienique. He's about as appealing as a pimple on my ass. I've never seen sucha young man act so old. Christ, you'd think he was 70 and all balled up the way he frowns at me. He disapproves of me cause I'm pagan. He asked me once why I wasn't afraid of going to hell. What an idiot. I asked him to explain to me how it could be worse than where I am now, then told him don't even go there when he offered to 'save' me. I could puke. Self=rightious bastard. He like s to watch me dress. f*cker, bastard. I should f*ck with his head. He's too easy. No, he might get mad and leave and I

shit, give me a tissue and another rum. I'm getting maudeline, how do you spell that, can't remember. God, what' s wrong with me. It's the blow-back. They won't give me Lily back, pete. F*ckers!!! no no no no no wo't go there, ca'nt
go there. F*ck this, gonna have another rum.

merry christmas new y9ork

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Alice in Chains

BTUI surrendered security video of my visit to the basement during my maternity leave. Talk about some monster leverage somewhere. I'm sure they deny everything and are cooperating in 'good faith'. Or maybe Will's folks just went in and took it. I don't know how long he's had it. Doesn't matter, I guess. There was never any doubt that Im f*cked.

The days continue a blur of questions, rehash. Trying to fill in the blank spots between what I was doing and what you did. We think we've figured out at least a partial on what you modified. Or rather what you didn't modify. We veiwed so much footage and couldn't find a single fault except for the baby's visit. And I still have my doubts about how and why your father was killed. It stinks. Really stinks and folks are starting to ask the right questions.

I suggested that perhaps you didn't muck with Ice, but rather, built a second molecule set. One that is self-assembling and builds on Ice and then stashed it in my tube. That would explain the FOP marker showing up in Lebanon. So much easier, don't you think? Save so much time. There was plenty of Ice sitting arround in ampules so there was no need to spend the resources. You just had to make it fatal. Will said something about it pulling apart hemoglobin. Definately Ice. But the event chain is wrong. It's amplified. That must be where the hitchhiker comes in. With no less that 16 receptors on my pill, it could be anything. Futile. We're f*cked. The combinations are astronomical. Without the sample, we could fish for years while people fall dead all around us. No one is saying it, but my guess is that the bad guys have the whole batch. I hold my breath everytime I watch the news. I cringe with every report of someone suffering shortness of breath, whether they live or die. Will's team is getting samples on every victim that may resemble cyanide poisoning. Especially if no cyanide is found.

We need to build an antidote. Did you laugh as hard as I just did? Antidote, yeah, right. Not without knowing the event chain. I could be carrying it in my pocket and be dead before I knew I needed it. And there's no such thing as a vaccine. Exposure alert? Not practical, even knowing we could use the FOP marker.

The suckage continues. All that keeps me going is involvement in trying to stop whomever got hold of your nano. It's the only time I'm allowed out of restraints. Can you believe it. I spend nearly 24 hours a day in shackles. Despite being riced again, Will doesn't want me getting loose anymore. I'm never alone at any time and all my food he prepares himself. My every waking hour is spent in drills. Except for the few moments that I'm allowed in the lab with Will. I wonder if he believes me. If he understands that I didn't want this to happen. That I'm trying to fix it. Why do I care? I guess I want someone to believe me. Even one person. It would be nice if it was him. I like him. Even when he's a prick, he's a polite prick. And for now he's keeping me alive, for what it's worth.

Spook was arrested. Will tells me the fat bastard tried to flee the country. Did they realized, just like Will and I did, that this whole thing was just too big to succeed without help higher up the food chain? Even if he isn't directly involved, he's the next scapegoat. Someone has to fall and it won't be the handsome british officer who's chasing the bad guys and building a cure. I bet there's shit flying everywhere around this and no one wants to get it on them.

There's the dinner bell. wonder what Will made today?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

It Comes as No Surprise

I've been under house arrest now for more than a week. There have been interrogations and meetings with various spooks. I don't know the location and don't really care. I'm not in Leavenworth...yet.

I'm allowed to keep my diary, big whoop. The aliens and I will make great friends. They think it may provide some direction that we haven't considered yet. They have me recreating everything we talked about and did. For months now they've been retracing every step you took that they can account for. Thanks to the patriot act all our records are under review. Thank god I paid cash for that copy of the Kama Sutra for your birthday.

The stress has become too much for me, I think. I don't leave my bed most days. Trouble eating and sleeping. I also wonder if I'm halucinating or if the feds are f*cking with my mind. My hair is growing back but I continue to lose frightening amounts of weight and I'm in relaps so thinking is a bit dodgy.

He lives! I saw Will for the first time today. I wasn't too sure how he came through our last encounter. No one would answer any questions for me. I wasn't sure why they still hold me until Will showed me The Times. Apparently your bastardized nano works. He wouldn't give me any specifics on its event chain. The big question on Will's mind now is whether this was the 'sample' target or do the bad guys have the product? I'm not sure anymore of what is going on. Not sure of what is real and what is bullshit.

They lied to us about the intented target but we know this victim was one. There was contact from whomever exposed him. Guess the bad guys were leary of us busting the tube and leaving them with nothing. Anyway, Lebanon is in an uproar. We are not able to satisfy their inquiries into how to stop this. Are we denying? What a pretty pickle. I'm guessing the feds are trying to recreate everything the victim did, hoping to find the catalyst. Won't make any difference if you kept the timeline the same in your bastard. I told Will that time was the catalyst in my pill. So simple. Don't think that as a weapon that particular aspect would prove acceptable. Not enough control. Quite a jump in thinking, from deterent to weapon.

An autopsy is out of the question. They are reluctant to send even tissue samples. The burn may have left residue. They worry that every anti-syrian official is a target. Great, we've built a new terror tool, taken a huge step toward a destablized middleeast, and created an international insident all at once.

Will is curious about the off-switch but they don't have a sample of the nano to verify if it would work. They cannot find your notes or data on its construction. Every bit of information you touched fell apart. Clever, but even I find it hard to believe you didn't make at least one back-up. I can't assure him that your version would even follow the same event chain but he's starting with the tube we built and hoping for a miracle. Me too.

I still have trouble, Pete, believing you had anything to do with this. I like to imagine that our project was hi-jacked and some slime-ball is really responsible. I never told anyone what we were trying. Did you? If so, who?

There I go again. Looking for hope where there isn't any. I'm the fool taking the fall. I won't even get a trial. I've become one of the disappeared. Does it really matter? No, I am responsible for this. One good will come of this. A victim somewhere will be unexplainable. Someone somewhere will talk. The right questions will be asked. Will there be proof? Silly rabbit. If there were proof, we weren't doing our job.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

There's no point in pretending

Yes, I knew they would find nothing in my daughter's remains. Yes, I know my daughter had F.O.P. Yes, this condition figures into the rogue Ice strain. No it's not the catalyst. At least, that's not what I built it to be. I built it in as a marker and a cure. Correct, Lt. Blazic. This weapon was designed for a specific purpose but was designed with an off switch. The switch is in a SDB in Orlando. Yes, I was involved in its development, but not as you and your team suggest. Of course, you and your team aren't working with my dendromer, are you? He built something else.

Yes, Peter was contacted by BTUI. Or rather, I was contacted first. I shared this with him. But by this time he and I had both become disenchanted with the direction our research had gone. We, neigher one, had ever expected we'd be building weapons of first-strike capability. Response triggers were our expertise. Control devises only. But we slipped quickly over an invisible line and we hated it. We wanted more than just a way out. We wanted the work stopped. There are too many people involved. The loss of two team members wouldn't stop the project. That was our dream, to stop the project.

Contact with BTUI kept us aware of their progress. We shared what we had to to keep the communication open. We needed the funding to build our Ender. We had to make everyone aware of the research and at the same time make this whole concept so unacceptable to the world that governments would have to swear it off, make it a horrific crime.

We had this grand idea of exposing the entire US Congress. Don't laugh. We did it in a test run. It was simple. A small adjustment to the cleaning solution used in the House and Senate building. Every table, every chair, We made it light up under a broken spectrum. We stood in the gallery and watched them glow. The VP himself had it.

If we succeeded with the real thing, we wanted to leak their exposer to the press, give them a deadline in which to end all work and demand the same of other governments. It wasn't supposed to be fatal but it would have demanded the immediate replacement of Congress as well as a good portion of their support staff. But building the actual dendromer in the lab was proving difficult, or so Peter told me.

The scheme you showed me was not the molecule we were working on. I don't know what it was. I don't know why Pete decided to accept whatever he was offered. or what he agreed to change. I can't even trust that what you showed me is his work. The whole thing seems unimportant now. The hybrid didn't work. The deadline has passed, hasn't it? Fr├ęchette is still fine. Everything is fine. Accept I'm still here.

I had to run again. I just don't know what to believe or who to trust. But I'm sure your team will locate me. Sometimes I wish I had the nerve to kill myself. I truely can't think of any reason why I am still alive. Do you all still think I know something?

Oops, library is closing. Gotta go.