Friday, September 23, 2005

Merry Mabon

The holiday was passed in my hotel room. Quietly. Simply, a little bread and cheese and wine. And of course I had to have corn and melon.

I miss you so much. I need my baby Lily, we only have 6 pictures of her. I..."I" only have 6 pictures of her. I finally started my period again. Once breastfeeding ended things went back to normal. What the hell is that? Normal? It took so long to make it stop. Mom tried to get me to go to the hospital and donate my milk. I had to keep reminding her of the drugs I'm taking and that I DIDN'T F*CKING WANT TO!!!

Capn Crunch goes to rehab in 7-10 days. I'll be paying her a visit before then. And no, I'm not taking a bat with me.

My flight took forever this morning. With Houston shut down I guess flights are horked all over the country. Did I mention they actually had a little rain and thunder while I was in the bay area.

This is truly pathetic, I am talking weather with my dead husband. Am I finally tiring of this? Maybe I'll be able to move on soon? Maybe I'll want to see friends again and visit with Mom and Stephen? What do you think? A year? Maybe two?

I guess I should mention, there's clicking on our phone. Maybe someone is paying attention? Might just be routine due to the new trials. I must be paranoid. I've burried reality under so many names and dates and locations. How could they know I'm talking. Maybe they don't and it's just routine. But there's only a few of us that do this..

Looks like they may assign me to the latest kswitch project. The last iteration of the MI seed went well, or so I'm told. 100% consistant on taking out the left ventricle with no residue after 11 minutes. It goes to human trials soon.

I'm getting scared, Petey, I don't want to be touching the shit that actally kills people on purpose. I've been able to avoid this until you died. Blazic will be heading the team and requested I continue with his group. Spoogmeyer agreed. They didn't even consult me! What could I have said?

I try to not think about it. All I do is confirm data. I don't expose, I don't activate, I don't recover. I always wanted to ask you but was afraid, too afraid that asking would bring down my wall of denial. How did you choose who died? How did you carry that weight? Was a name handed to you or did you have to pick one yourself? I don't have that Pete. I don't have the strength to use humans as guinea pigs. How many will we dose before we consider the trials a success and move on to killing them on purpose? Who are these things planned for? Pissy world leaders, military types, noisy activists, team members with loose lips? Don't doubt it for a second.


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