Thursday, September 15, 2005


What the hell am I donig here? I can't think, can't move, can't do anything except think about horrible hateful things. I truely lost my mind. Help me Peter.

I wish I could fall asleep for a thousand years and wake up and all this would be gone and buried under dust and sand. All I want to do now is break shit. I can't stand the sight of anyone happy, isn't that terrible. I feel like some demon has taken over my brain and drives me to create havoc. I actually have on a small scale. I trashed the whole kitchen last night. The whole damn thing. I have never felt so out of control in my life. I droped a glass and that was all it took. Now the floors and counters are covered with the remains of anything I could grab. I didn't think just smashed things. Now i'm regretting it tho. I woke to the overpowering stench of liquid smoke and garlic, the barbeque from hell lives in our kitchen. At least I'll have something to do when I get home besides wander aimlessly around the house hating being alone.

Im so screwd at work to day. I wan't able to process even the first set of slides and samples, Spook will kill me if I fall behind again...I wish I had someone I could tell about this. evne my therapist is gone today. Golf in vegas. What a sh*thole. I want so much to go see the bitch and take a big stick with me. Oh god, i've lost my mind. Who am I now petey? I used to think I was such a peacful person. But who am i kidding look what we do. wWht we built, Pete. This shit kills people. Onl thing that makes us different from the chemmys is that we seem to think we can control the LTBs. If that were true waht am I doing here. testing and checking to make sure no one drops dead withoug permission. that the troops behave jsut like some f*cking beurocrat watns them to. "smile for the media, frowns for the cameras" fight bravely, sit quietly, they control it all. And we gave ti to them, just like fatman and lttleboy we don't even q2uestion waht our creations are used for and in fact we monitor to make sure there are no bumps or hickups. The f*ckers aught to have to look eachother in the eyes when thety kill them not all secretly. oh shit I've gotta go. I ca't be ehre right now.


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