Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Ghosts and Waterholes

I've been awake for nearly 2 hours. Insomnia has become a regular part of my life in the last several weeks. I know it's because I'm afraid to sleep. The dreams are too much for me. Much harder than reality. I thought I might chat and have a glass of wine. Maybe this will help?

Things are heating up at the lab. I'm still working on the double blind thing and Spook has asked me to help bring Lt. Blazic up to speed on 'ice'. He took me to dinner today, the leutenent. Lots of painful small talk. He seems curious as to how much I know about your work. I keep telling him the same old thing. I'm a pathologist, I look at samples. Better than 75 % of what I do I know little or nothing about the project behind it. My clearance doesn't allow for some levels. I think the uppers are worried that you may have shared information with me. Shit, they have so many bugs up our asses they could have heard our heartbeats. He gave me a signed copy of "Singularity". Interesting reading. He's getting better as hiding the pity in his eyes.

I'm being sent to Chicago for two days next week. Stephen is going to stay here and take care of the critters. He's doing great and looks like he's serious about his girl from Cal Tech. Her name is Barbara.

Pete, I feel no different. No, that's not true. What I feel is 'no better'. Not surprised? About capt crunch. I thought that I would somehow feel better. What or why things would change I don't know but I thought they would. I'm sitting here in the dark, writing to the dead and the only real difference what I've done has made is to make my hate myself.

That I've done something rash is an understatement. That it is irreversible is fact. All I can do is..isssss nothing? Tell her? warn her? F*ck that. I still believe she hasno right to life after what shes done. I also had no right to take action against her. Did I? Goddamit,, the battle in my brain continues. I spend hours with my head in my hands thinking 'what have I done, what have I done, what have I done...' it's a crime, isn't it? Yes, of course it is. Yes. It was wrong? I don't know I don't know! Yes, of course it was wrong. But nothing has happened to her and if she's learned any gret lesson, nothing ever will right? Am I egocentric to think I've broken new ground in ethics and that as family of the victims I had a right to my actions. Or am I just totally crazy! I'm crazy, she has no warning! Sure, she may never drink and drive but she'll drink, surely? God I've killed her. I've murdered her. How could I have done this? What was I thinking? I can't fix it. I can't make this undone.


Blogger Loose Lips said...

I'd like to feel bad for you. You talk some low. I don't find it hard to think armys do this stuff. But who would talk about it?

Arn't you afraid someone will track you down?

10:06 AM  

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